The 36 questions to fall in love, and how to ask them as a couple

What are the 36 questions to fall in love? They come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues on how closeness forms between two people. There are three sets of twelve, and each set is a little more personal than the last, from a dinner-guest question to sharing a personal problem and asking for advice. In the study, pairs took turns over about 45 minutes and reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk. They are not a love spell. They are a slow, structured way to let someone see you, and they work for couples who have been together for years, too.

Some lists are trendy. This one has a lab coat. You have probably seen the 36 questions to fall in love on a date-night board or in a group chat, usually with the promise in the name. The real story is quieter and more useful: researchers wanted a reliable way to help two people feel close in under an hour, and they found it in a simple rule. Take turns, go a little deeper each time, and don’t skip ahead.

That rule is why the list still works on a Tuesday night with someone you already share a toothbrush cup with. Below is the full list, set by set, with a note on what each set is doing and a few ways to make it yours. For the wider map of prompts, light to brave, start with our hub on questions to ask your partner.

What the study actually found (and what it didn’t)

In the original research, pairs who worked through the escalating questions reported feeling closer afterward than pairs who spent the same time on small-talk prompts. That was the finding: closeness, built on purpose, between people who had just met.

What the study did not promise is in the nickname. Nobody was guaranteed a relationship. The “fall in love” part came later, when a 2015 New York Times Modern Love essay told the story of one person trying the questions on a date, and the list went everywhere.

For couples, the useful part is the mechanism, not the headline. Closeness grows when disclosure is mutual (you both answer), gradual (you get braver together, not all at once), and safe (nobody grades the answer). Hold onto those three. They matter more than any single question.

How the 36 questions work: three sets, slowly braver

The 36 questions are meant to be asked in order. Set I warms you up. Set II asks about values and memory. Set III turns the questions toward each other. A few house rules, borrowed from the study’s spirit: both of you answer every question, and you alternate who goes first. Don’t skip ahead to the heavy ones; the early questions are doing real work. Give it time; the original procedure ran about 45 minutes, and one set a night is fine too. Listen more than you respond.

Set I: warm, curious, low stakes

Set I feels like a good first-date conversation. That is the point. It builds a little trust before anything heavier arrives.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Even if you have heard each other’s life story before, number 11 lands differently with a four-minute timer. People pick different chapters when the clock is short. Notice which ones your partner chooses.

Set II: values, memories, the things you guard

Set II is where the conversation stops being trivia. These questions ask what you value and what you remember, and a few of them reach for tender places.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

For long-term couples, number 14 is the sleeper. You might know the dream. You might not know the honest reason it is still on the shelf.

Set III: about the two of you, said out loud

Set III turns the questions toward the person across from you. This is the set that tends to make people go quiet, then laugh, then say something true.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Several of these were written for strangers, so a couple can stretch them. “Say things you might not say to someone you’ve just met” becomes “say the thing you think but rarely say out loud.”

How to do the 36 questions as a couple

The questions were built for two people who had just met. Couples have a different problem: you think you already know the answers. Answer for today, not for the record; your most treasured memory can change, so ask what it is this year. Guess first, then ask, and let the gap be the conversation. Split it across three nights so it stays a ritual instead of a marathon. Swap the setting: Set III is often easier side by side on a walk or a long drive than face to face.

If Set II gets heavy, trade a few fun questions for couples before you go on. Once you have finished all 36, we gathered 52 questions that go deeper in the same spirit. Earlier in the story? The first-date deck is lighter, and conversation starters for couples has openers for nights when 36 feels like a lot.

When to slow down

The 36 questions include grief, family and regret. That is part of why they work, and it is why they deserve a little care. Either of you can pass on a question, no explanation needed. If a memory comes up that needs more than tonight can hold, pause the list and stay with it. Never use an answer as ammunition later; what is said in the 36 stays in the 36. And this is a conversation ritual, not therapy. If something heavy keeps coming up, that is worth a different kind of support.

How Peony makes both of you go first

Here is the quiet flaw in asking any deep question out loud: whoever answers second has already heard the first answer. They adjust. They match the tone, soften the strange part, or say “same.” Peony is private couples Q&A built to fix that. You both get the same question, you each answer privately, and then you reveal together. Nobody goes first. Nobody edits in real time. If an answer matters, keep it in the Garden.

That is the best ingredient of the 36 questions, mutual disclosure, with the pressure taken out of the order. We wrote more about why answering at the same time changes everything. Peony’s decks are its own, not Aron’s list, but they follow the same idea: start easy, get braver together, reveal at the same time.

Steal one set tonight

You don’t need all 36 tonight. Pick a set. Put your phones face down, or open Peony and answer privately. Take turns, go in order, and leave room for the pause after each answer. That pause is usually where the closeness happens. Start your first conversation when you want a ritual that keeps going after question 36.

For the full map of prompts across every stage and mood, the questions to ask your partner hub is right upstairs.